What Really Matters?

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Sherene Aftab:

The very relevant fears that each one of us goes through in our lives at some point of time is the fear of not finding the right one, the fear of a lifetime of union with someone and not being able to make a U-turn if required, the fear of not being sure when is the right time to take the plunge and if at all getting into a relationship or marriage is the best thing for you. 

Everyone looks for love and companionship hoping that it would come with a lifetime guarantee. We all often look for that ‘someone’ with whom we can share our happiness and sorrows. We have had people whom we deemed important on every juncture of our lives. Remember childhood?

 

Those days when we saved a chocolate to bring back home from school; or when we made handmade cards as birthday presents for our parents; and put in mighty efforts to bring better grades because it made our parents happy. During that era of our life parents made the most important people. School days were so often synonymous to having a “best friend” or being part of the most popular group in school. If our best friend didn’t bring lunch we didn’t hesitate to share ours with them, if they were punished we felt sorry for them and if they were upset at us the world seemed a very sad place to exist in.

 

But as we know how quick life rolls just like the reel on the camera, one snap after the other in swift breathless clicks our journey from innocent childhood trivialities move onto more life changing issues to deal with. In our culture, we generally take the business of getting married very seriously, parents put in great emphasize on the importance of marrying early and marrying the right one. Personally, I don’t think there is a set time phase for when it all happens for people in general, for some they may find the right one pretty early in life and for many it may take a while like the ever beautiful Suhasini Mulay a popular face of the Indian cinema and serials found her soulmate at the age of 60. But perhaps there is a point in life when each of us tends to take the lookout for meaningful relationships a bit more seriously. Sure! Our parents and our best friends are always there for us but have you come across a situation when your parents parrot the age-old line “we are not going to always remain with you for the rest of your life” or when your friends who are blissfully hitched always seem to be lost in a world of their own which they can’t really be blamed for.

That leaves the ‘Singles’ singled out with their life which of course doesn’t need to conform to the conformity of being in a relationship just because stories of people dating, marrying or getting engaged are the latest fad of the town. But yet sometimes, just like the one odd day when you really wished you could ring up a friend and ask them for lunch, you hear them apologize to you; much to your dismay for not accepting the invite because they are busy with their better half watching the most absurdly churned out movie of the century (that you wouldn’t watch in a hundred years in your right mind frame) and sounding very pleased to top it all; is when you realize you wish you had someone too who would make your world look pink and pretty even when it may not necessarily look like that to the rest of the world.

From the remotest corner of the mind or heart or wherever this feeling comes from we feel a vacation would become boring if we dint have someone to take along; The tiniest voice in the head whisper’s that all the achievements and laurels gained professionally or otherwise you wished you had someone to share all these with perhaps a close friend or a relationship that you could fall back on almost all the time. Inspite of having the best job, a fancy car, and a beautiful house you look for a meaningful relationship to share it all with.

 

Well then, so you are going to give it a thought and see how it all works perhaps Shahid Kapur’s nuptials to the non-celebrity Meera Rajput 13 years his junior may inspire you to rethink your stand on marriage. What should matter the most when you are looking for the Ms. /Mr. Just Right after all? Does the age gap really matter? Or the difference in religions should be taken into serious consideration?

I must beg to quote my humble views on this one that one must follow this simple equation: to look for a friend in the person you would choose to date/marry. Because not only do our friends share our mutual interests, we are not hassled with how we look or sound like to them all the time, and they simply like us for who we are.

But often these indispensable traits that we look for in a friend changes ever so discreetly when we are looking for meaningful companionship, with whom we would want to share our living space with, a life time of dreams, hopes and ambitions with; by which I rightly mean a better half. We are often attracted to or get infatuated with a pretty face, a handsome personality, the amazing job that we think they have, or the impressive house or car that they own. The apparently visible traits are so easy to feel mesmerized with but there is a fair possibility that the attractive exterior persona and their possessions may just vanish someday like beauty fades and like the gentleman who makes an amazing first impression may just be a façade to impress. It’s hard though but it matters when you want to make a commitment for a lifetime to differentiate between what looks breathtakingly attractive and what your needs really are. You don’t want someone to want out of the relationship at the first crack of disappointment. It’s hard to always put up a fascia that displays a persona of the ever beautiful or charming, who always portrays the image of the perfect all the time. Someday you may just want to step out of the house looking you, wanting to feel and show off the skin that is beneath all the makeup that adorns your face or you may desperately want to come across someone who is okay when you are behaving quirky unintentionally sometimes.

Achieving a picture-perfect life or a perfect life partner is a myth, if perfectionism is abstract it is fair if we lowered our expectations and looked for Ms. /Mr. Close to Perfect hoping that they would remain a sturdy companion when life is a celebration as well as for the times when life throws in equal measures of struggles. It takes time and most importantly the rationality to want to explore the

person who is beneath the exterior they portray. It is important to find someone who is ready to explore the inner realms of your character which may be a vulnerable side, a deep-seated insecurity, naivety over certain things, or your imperfections and flaws and recognize the beautiful inner you. A life time of partnership between two souls doesn’t happen immediately, what happens at the first sight is more often an attraction or an infatuation with apparently visible attributes. Often it turns out that a perfect relationship may not always be something that electrifies and enkindles you but perhaps it is the feeling of always being in a tender state of drowsiness that comes when you feel loved and secure for a lifetime to come.

Sherene Aftab, is a Mumbai based Writer, Lecturer and Trainer. She Lectures in various management and media colleges, features regularly in offline & online publications and conducts workshops in soft skills, personality development, communication skills and career counselling.

 

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